My Jesus Story

I was challenged by my D-Group (my women's discipleship group that meets once a week and we study the Bible, pray and encourage one another in our relationship with Christ) to write my testimony and share it with someone. I've always struggled with sharing my testimony, especially out loud and in person, and I'm still intimidated by the word "testimony". It's always felt so big to me, like it needs to be a monumental story of epic proportions. I've known God as long as I can remember, and my story may seem simple. But, I've taken another stab at writing it down, in a condensed "elevator speech" approach, and I'm calling it "My Jesus Story" because it's all about Him, not me. 

Maybe someone needs to hear this today. Here goes. 

Although I grew up in a Christian home, raised by two Christian parents, and I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t expected to attend church, my relationship with God has been a lifelong journey. For almost 35 years, I’ve been growing and learning who God is. Strong roots took hold in me very early. I remember being just a little girl, praying in our kitchen with my mom, asking Jesus into my heart. I knew that Jesus loved me and that I loved Him and I wanted to follow him. I loved Sunday school and the church that my Dad pastored. But, life isn’t very complicated when you’re 5 or even 9 years old. I remember being baptized in Lake Ontario during a summer church picnic. I knew that I loved God, I chose to follow him and I wanted to be baptized. I was blessed to attend a Christian elementary and middle school, and then a Christian high school and college. It felt safe, and real, and I was surrounded by Christian friends, pastors, teachers and godly examples. I knew the truths of the Bible, right from wrong, and I sincerely desired to please God with my life. I went on youth retreats and even short term missions trips and tried to obey God by following the rules.

There came a point, however, in my teenage and college years, that I started wanting the approval and acceptance of friends and boys, more than I desired clinging to the straight and narrow. I wanted to test the waters and see what I might be missing. I was selfish and more focused on what I wanted, primarily in the area of dating and seeking attention from guys. Always on a mission to find “the one”. In high school, I made non-Christian friends at my first job. And when I turned 21, I experienced going out to bars, clubs and parties with friends. At times, I drank too much alcohol, acted in ways that weren’t the real me and I made regrets. I stayed in relationships that I knew I never should have started. All the while, trying to maintain my “good girl” appearance, compartmentalizing my life, lying to my family and myself. There came a point when it felt like I was living a double life. The girl that my family and church knew and expected me to be, and the girl who was looking for love, approval and fulfillment in the wrong things.

2003 was one of the worst years of my life at the time. It was the year I knew I needed to make changes and decide who I was really going to be. I had to decide if I was going to continue choosing sin and selfishness or if I was going to choose Jesus - for myself. Not because I was expected to, or because of the way I was raised, but because deep down in my heart I knew I needed Jesus more than anyone or anything. I wanted Him to be the leader of my life. I wanted to know God more - really know Him, not just the Bible stories I grew up with. I wanted the peace of God and joy in my heart again. I wanted to become who God wanted me to be, not who I wanted to be or who I thought I needed to be. I wanted my faith to be real.

As I took steps back to God, He loved me unconditionally and was so gracious and merciful. I began to see how deceitful my heart was and that I’d only caused myself pain by turning my back on God in certain areas of my life. I couldn’t see that the entire time, I was so loved and cherished by my Heavenly Father. It was something I knew in my mind, but the depth of that truth hadn’t fully made it’s way to my heart yet. I didn’t need to go searching. He was right there the whole time, loving me, teaching me, and drawing me to Him.

2003 was also the year that I met my husband (although I didn’t know it at the time). Just one example of God’s many gifts to me. When I look back at who I was during that difficult time, part of me longs to go back and do it over again so differently. I’d save my self the pain of having to learn things the hard way. I think about potential situations that God kept me from and circumstances that could have gone much differently, were it not for God’s hand on my life. God is so faithful! I am unworthy of His love. That’s what’s so beautiful about God’s grace. Even my rebellious heart and the mistakes I made were paid for when Jesus died for me. He loved me before I was even born and sacrificed His life to save me. Thank you, Jesus!

I feel like such a different person today than I was back then. I know that I am a daughter of God, loved and accepted, not because of anything I did, or ever could do, but because of Who God is. I don’t have to live up to a set of rules or try to be good enough. Jesus is enough. He is the reason I’m here today. Every day I learn more about who He is and I’m humbled by the way He loves me and cares for me. I am far from perfect, and there are many times I still have to remind myself that I am His.

I’m so thankful for Jesus, His blood that rescued me, and for the security of knowing I will spend eternity with Him in Heaven when my life is over. He changed my life. There have been difficult days, and there will be more hard times, but I know that I can face them all because of Jesus. I’m not alone and He has a purpose and a plan, for everything.

Today, I’m a wife and a mom and I’m learning more than ever what it means to be a follower of Jesus. My faith has grown so much since I asked Jesus into my heart when I was a little girl. The same Jesus has been there all along, every step of my journey, and I know He will be there for all the days to come. He is my everything.

Three Reasons to Give Thanks, Our Story Continued

As November draws to a close, I can’t help but remember that this month might have been our first baby’s fourth birthday. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to enter the month of Thanksgiving without remembering the life that wasn’t ours to hold here on Earth.

You can read Part 1 and Part 2 of our journey.

Today, it’s been about two months since we thought that we would be having another baby, our third. I never wanted to add another chapter to our story about miscarriage and loss.

But, God.

I keep being reminded that God’s divine timing is not ours.

Andrew and I are loving each stage with our almost 22 month old, on-the-go, cute-as-can-be, into everything, toddler, Marshall. He is funny and fast and just so lovable. We definitely want to have more children, if God chooses, and we recently thought that dream was coming true for us.

In September, I took three positive home pregnancy tests. And another at my doctors office to be sure. Pure excitement, amazement and happy shock! I couldn’t wait to share the incredible news with Andrew. We looked at each other in disbelief, hugged and cried tears of joy. Marshall was going to be a big brother! We couldn’t be happier.

The thing with having ever experienced a miscarriage, even after delivering a healthy baby, is that the fear and uncertainty doesn’t leave you. The “what if’s” are always there, looming, in the back of your mind. It overshadows your joy. It makes you halfheartedly believe. You try to be all-in excited, but your heart still remembers the hurt and the heartbreak you once knew, at a familiar time in the past. I wanted those worry-filled thoughts to disappear. To stop whispering doubt into my ear. To stop robbing me of the happiness of this moment. But it kept hanging around.

We daydreamed about welcoming a new baby into our family. We celebrated with pizza (fancy, I know). We started strategizing how to make additional room in our home. And we prayed. And we talked about our excitement and about our fears. We hoped and prayed that God wouldn’t allow us to walk down the road of loss again.

My first ultrasound was scheduled the following week (per my request), when we would be a little over seven weeks pregnant. I simply could not wait to see our tiny growing baby on the screen and see that precious little heart beating. Then, and only then, would I be able to rest a little easier and fully bask in the joy of this pregnancy. I needed to see it to believe it.

The day before our ultrasound, however, I knew something wasn’t right. In addition, I didn’t “feel” very pregnant in general, except for some occasional nausea. I told myself not to freak out and that every pregnancy is different. It was still early. I was just going to wait to see the doctor the next day.

We drove to the appointment, which is at the same hospital where Marshall was born, and we got ready to see our tiny new baby for the first time. Except, there was no baby on the screen. My womb looked empty. The technician kindly told us that she could not see a developing pregnancy and that she was going to go talk to the doctor. When the technician came back, she performed a second ultrasound to be sure. Then the doctor came in and confirmed the news we didn’t want to hear.

How could this be?

How could I be pregnant, but there not be a baby growing inside of me?

Miscarriage.

That ugly word.

Again.

Something didn’t go right. The baby we thought was developing, simply was not. Almost as quickly as we learned that we were pregnant, we were faced with the reality that we weren’t anymore.

I had blood work done to be sure. And a follow up appointment. And more blood work.

The verdict: miscarriage. There was nothing we could do to stop it or explain it. Our hearts were once again left broken and wondering why.

Why put our hearts and our hopes through that? Why get us excited and looking forward to another dream coming true, only to have it trampled and stolen so quickly away? Why must we relive such sadness and disappointment, a second time over? It doesn’t make sense. After experiencing the joy and answered prayer of allowing us to be Marshall’s parents, why revisit that place of deep loss?

His ways are not our ways.

I couldn’t utter a word on the drive home. I sobbed in Andrew’s arms when he held me in our kitchen, while Marshall played in the other room. How was I supposed to get through this day? How was I supposed to move forward? Why was this happening? Again. What a cruel trick. I felt so foolish. Foolish for believing. Foolish for hoping it to be true and for all to be well. Foolish for allowing myself to dream and to be excited.

When Marshall took a nap, I buried myself under a blanket and fell asleep. When I woke, somehow I felt better. Like it was all a dream. Like I knew that this was the way God wanted it to be and everything was in His very capable hands. I was reminded that I have been given a husband and a son and a beautiful life, and most importantly, the life-giving gift of salvation. I had to get up, keep going and hope again. A simple and ridiculously hard truth.

I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt, deeply, because it does. It stings. In moments that I don’t expect. But, the fact that I have my husband of eleven years, walking the same road beside me, and our beautiful son to take care of, makes it somehow easier and more bearable. God has always been so very good to us, in the good times and in the difficult times. I know that God is in control, through it all, and that I can trust him. Even when it doesn’t make sense to me. Even when I wish things had gone very differently.

I am truly amazed at how tangibly God has been surrounding me during these days and weeks. The Sunday before our ultrasound, our new pastor started a series entitled “Seasons.” It couldn’t have been more timely. Trusting God, no matter the circumstances. I felt like the message was just for us. The worship team sang “Thy Will Be Done,” by Hilary Scott. A song that has been narrating my life for weeks prior to all of this.

Three days after our ultrasound didn’t go as hoped, I attended the More Than Enough women’s conference with guest speaker Angie Smith. I first heard Angie speak on Mother’s Day, 2014, while we were still in a season of intense waiting to get pregnant, after our first miscarriage in 2012. I knew I would be in for some serious heart stirring. That was an understatement. On the drive there, I was able to share my heartbreak and pray with a dear friend, who could not have been a more perfect listening ear and compassionate heart. Her words and understanding surrounded me with such love and comfort. During the conference, the stories that were shared about reliance on our Heavenly Father during utter heartbreak and unthinkable loss were nothing short of inspiring, and so specific to what I was going through, that very day. I knew God had planned it, long before I purchased my ticket. Later in the conference “Thy Will Be done” was played. That same song, twice in one week. Once before and once after I found out that I miscarried.

I’m listening, God.

“I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me. Goodness you have in store. Thy will be done.” That song has been speaking to my heart continually.

There are many moments that I have felt the hand of God holding me and healing my wounded heart. Through people I’ve had conversations with, a blog I came across, messages at church, songs, the sweet laugh of my son, the love of family and friends. It’s been a much different experience than our first miscarriage. Not because I’m any less sad or any less disappointed. I was in a very different place, prior to having our son, not knowing if I would get pregnant at all and be able to experience having a child. All of the praise and glory goes to God for his good gifts! I don’t deserve His love and mercy and pure abundance. I am overwhelmed by His goodness and grace. Such grace.

I’m sharing my story, in hopes that maybe it will help someone else. I also share it to proclaim that it’s only because of Jesus Christ that I’m able to get up every day. Before, during and after all of this. My life isn’t perfect - far from it. I have struggles and I’ve had to face some very difficult days throughout my life. Days that, were it not for my relationship with my Creator, my Heavenly Father, the Giver of Life, I don’t know how I would handle it. He is my Living Hope. He is the reason I have joy. True joy. Not just putting on a smile and pretending. Even during the hurt, I have hope. How can this be? Because I am loved and cherished and held by the God of the universe.

I wear three rings now. One with the birthstone or due date month of each of my three children. I get to cuddle and look into the eyes of one of those sweet children, every day. And I look forward to meeting our two precious gifts in Heaven. Three reasons to thank God.

I don’t really know how to close this. To be continued. Because I don’t know what the future holds. Anymore than I knew what the future held a few weeks ago. I’m learning, daily, that as much as I might try, I’m not in control. Of anything. Only God is. And I’m grateful for that, because if I was in control, oh, the mess I’d have made of my life by now. Thank you, LORD, that You are in control, and that You know what’s best for us. You truly are a good, good, Father, and you are so perfect in all of your ways. (Another song that gets to me every time is “Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin.)

If you have known the pain of loss, my prayer is that the God of all comfort will heal your heart. I also pray that if you don’t already know Him, that you would pursue a relationship with God, your Heavenly Father, who loves you like crazy. I’m proof that you can love Him and you can trust Him. He created you and knows your heart. He also knows what it’s like to have His heart broken, because He watched His only Son, Jesus, die for you and me. The ultimate gift of love.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 NIV

Love

Free Printable

As February, the month of love, nears to a close, I have been studying the topic of love. Valentines Day has come and gone, but what do I really know and understand about love? More importantly, how well do I actually live out love? The Bible has a lot to say about love, and I have a lot to learn. Something as elementary as love, seems like a no-brainer, at times. We love our family, our spouse, our kids, our friends. I love Jesus, and He is the greatest example of real love, in all of history. There is so much more to it than that.

1 Corinthians 13 is known as "the love chapter". It's probably the most popular passage quoted and read at weddings. But do we really grasp the magnitude of what those 13 verses tell us? It's not just a recipe for a happy marriage. It's a recipe for life. At the end of every day, what it all boils down to, is how well I loved, or didn't love. Whatever I do, no matter how good my intentions are, if it's done without love, I might as well have not done it at all. 

1 Corinthians 13 is a pretty amazing list of what love is and isn't. Immediately I realize how much my heart needs to adhere to this list more closely. 

Love suffers long and is kind. 

Love does not envy.

Love does not parade itself. 

Is not puffed up.

Does not behave rudely. 

Does not seek its own. 

Is not provoked. 

Thinks no evil. 

Does not rejoice in iniquity (sin), but rejoices in the truth. 

Bears all things.

Believes all things.

Hopes all things.

Endures all things. 

Love never fails. 

Never fails. It almost seems like an impossible standard to live up to. In fact, it is an impossible standard to live up to - on our own. Have you ever read 1 Corinthians 13 and thought to yourself, I'm going to do that! That's how I want to be! Or am I the only one? And then, less than an hour later, you find yourself snapping at your husband over something trivial, or selfishly thinking about what YOU want, or just behaving less-than-lovely? Why are we so quick to forget? I don't know about you, but for me, love doesn't always come naturally. I often feel like it shouldn't be so difficult, but my heart is filled with selfishness and thoughts of me, me, me. Self. Pride.

When I started thinking about the topic of God's love and reading more about it, I kept running into the same verses, in random places, in the same week. Coincidence? Not likely. I always know when God is trying to press something on my heart when the same themes keep showing up, over and over. I love when that happens.

One of those examples is 1 Corinthians 13:12, "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known." This verse has always seemed a little unclear to me. But it makes complete sense. The light bulb went off in my head. My whole why-can't-I-just-be-more-loving way of thinking is for a reason. When we look in a mirror, we only see part of the picture and portions of our reflection. It's a pretty close representation of reality, but it's not a real, living, breathing, thing. The love that we experience here on earth, as wonderful and inspiring as it may be, or as disappointing and flawed as it may be, is only a dim reflection of the magnitude of God's perfect, all-encompassing, overpowering, beautiful, true love. Even our best efforts to "love better" will always fall short. But not God's love. The way he designed real love, never fails. Never. 

1 John 4:8 says, "He who does not love does not know God, for God is love." I think the first Bible verse I ever learned as a child was, "God is love." So simple, yet so profound. God IS love. Love IS God. We will never be capable of fully loving the way that God intended, until we are in Heaven, with Him, face to face. For now, He's given us just a glimpse of what love is about, and shown us the greatest Gift of love, through Jesus Christ, His Son.

So, what can I do now to be a more loving person? 1 Corinthians 13 is an excellent guide. We should cling to these love attributes and strive to live them out in everything we do. Bearing, believing, hoping and enduring all things. ALL things. Will we fail? Of course. Will we mess up and be unloving at times? Yes. Will envy and selfishness creep in, sooner than we'd like? Unfortunately, so. BUT, we serve the God of the universe who created love and who IS love, and HE never fails. Ever. It's only through HIM can we learn what love is, and try to reflect His love to the world around us. 

Next time you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, remember that we are reflecting His love. And one day, we will see the whole beautiful picture and feel love like we've never known. 

You're welcome to save and share the free "Love Never Fails" printable above. 

Thursday Thoughts

My heart is heavy as I sit here, thinking about the chaotic state that our world is in. If you're living on this planet, how can you not be affected by the events taking place, and that have been taking place, for years and years (and from the beginning on time)? It doesn't seem right that I'm enjoying a salad while my baby naps peacefully, while others are fleeing their homes for their very lives, not knowing where they will end up or if they'll even have food today. 

My mind has a difficult time reconciling the injustice of it all. The sadness. The pain. The gravity of loss. The total fear. The reality of evil. What can we do? It feels wrong to turn on the TV and relax, while so many don't even have a bed to sleep in. I look at my young son. He is clothed and warm, safe from harm. He has toys and books. He knows how loved he is. Far too many children don't have any of those things. 

I was deeply impacted by this photographers project documenting where refugee children are forced to sleep. Regardless of your opinion on the issue, the stories are real. The children are real. No one should have to live like this. I read every single one. My heart breaking over and over. 

There are hurting people as well as evil doers all over this Earth. We live in a fallen world. Sin is here. I keep reminding myself that the story isn't over. This is just part of a much bigger plan. God's design for mankind isn't finished. This world was not created to be our permanent home. There is hope. Jesus is the answer!

I've been really enjoying SheReadsTruth.com and have been so encouraged by their Bible reading plans and devotions for women. I haven't been going in any particular order but I'm currently going through Philippians. Today's reading was just what I needed, reminding me that I am a citizen of Heaven, not Earth. With all of the plagues of evil and chaos, Romans 16:20 gave me hope, "And the God of peace shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Amen." Our God is the God of peace. And one day, soon, He will put an end to Satan and every form of evil. What a glorious day that will be! 

The only answer I have to the "What can we do?" question is to pray. Pray for the people who are displaced. Who are hurting. Lost. Forsaken. Pray for the orphans and widows. Pray for those trapped in the horrors of sex trafficing. Pray for the mothers pondering abortions and pray for those willing to provide abortions. Pray for the homeless, the hungry, the broken. Pray for those with addictions. Pray for those plotting harm and carrying out wickedness. Most of all, pray that every lost soul would find Jesus Christ. He is the true hope and the answer for this world. 

And, love your loved ones. Hug your spouse, your children and your family, tighter. They are a gift. And every day you get to spend with them is a gift.  

So Much to Say

 
I'm not very good at verbally communicating (just ask my husband). I've always preferred writing my thoughts and feelings. I often get tongue tied, forget what I was going to say or what I really wanted to say, doesn't come out quite right. And speaking in front of large crowds? Forget it. It's taken me years to be able to stand at the front of a room and present coherent material at a meeting.

Becoming a mom has caused me to feel more deeply and experience emotions on a whole new level. I find myself lacking the words to articulate my feelings, even more now. After waiting years to have our son, I wake up every day with the realization that we are so very lucky, blessed, to have him here with us. I get to see his smile every morning. I get to rock him to sleep every night. I get to play with him and watch him discover the world. He is bursting with life. Our God-sent gift of love.

Sadly, so many people aren't able to experience the same.

Very early this morning, a friend of mine gave birth to her second child. A precious baby boy, who lived for just 18 minutes. Minutes. She and her husband knew early on that their baby was not expected to live long after birth, yet they saw no other choice than to carry him to term. They welcomed him into their hearts, long before they met him. And today, they finally met him and also said goodbye to him, this side of heaven. Their daughter welcomed him into heaven and they are both with Jesus. Two babies they held in their arms are now in the arms of Jesus.

My heart is so broken for them. Knowing they were at the hospital yesterday, waiting for his arrival, I couldn't keep back tears. I still can't. I've been praying continually. Praying prayers that I don't even have words for. Praying that God would wrap His arms around them and comfort them like only He can. I think the glaring question in everyone's mind is, "Why, God?" We may never know the answer. But our God is still good. He is still faithful. Still in control. And to Him be the glory.

I look around me and there are children with cancer. Babies who need transplants. Kids who don't make it to their 5th birthday. It's beyond heart wrenching. My mom-heart aches for these families and wishes it would all just go away. Children don't deserve this. There is nothing right or fair about it. 

It makes me hug my baby boy a little tighter. Stare at him while he's sleeping a little longer. Kiss his sweet face a few more times. And one more kiss before I go to bed. It makes me thank God with all my heart that he is here, that he's healthy, that he's happy. It makes me pray harder for his health and well-being, but most of all, that he will love God with all his heart and live for his purpose. It makes me feel so undeserving. So blessed. Clinging tightly to every moment. Desiring to take it all in and not forget a single thing. Even on a frustrating day, there is so much to be thankful for.

Today, Marshall fell asleep on my shoulder. Lately he's been napping and sleeping in his crib the majority of the time. But today, he wanted to sleep in my arms. So I held him for almost and hour, even though my arm muscles started to burn and my back started to ache. I wanted to cradle him forever. Not everyone gets to do that. God has given me an amazing gift and I want to cherish that gift, every single day.

Sometimes no words are needed. You only need to hold tightly to the ones God has placed in your life. Those are the moments that say it all.

So, if things have been, and continue to be a little quiet around here, know that I am doing "mom things", taking care of my family, loving my husband and my son, and trying to be the woman God wants me to be. He has blessed me far abundantly beyond what I could ever hope for.

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5

Signs of Life

It's Spring, you guys! For real this time. Flowers are popping up, trees are budding, the grass is actually greener, creatures are reappearing, and the sun, oh, the sun is shining again! 

 

I am a huge fan of spring. Once winter has thawed and new life reawakens, it makes me feel so hopeful and happy. I gotta be honest, winter is such a drag! Physically and emotionally. I am thankful the snow is gone (for now), but the changing seasons make me appreciate the uniqueness of each time of year. 

I read a quote recently by Elisha Galotti, "Winter will give way to Spring, and if all we do is wait for the warmth of the next season, we'll miss the beauty of today." I just love that. 

I've been thinking a lot about life (and birth) since the arrival of our baby boy. There are so many sweet eye-opening truths to be learned from babies and how precious life really is and how beautiful our God is. The same God who made daffodils and silver frogs and the sun to rule the day, made you and I and everything that has breath. Despite all of the suffering and chaos that plagues this world, there is so much beauty to be seen and joy to experience. It's all around us.

I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes 3:1, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

Take a few moments to look around and breathe in the sweet aroma of spring. Know that God is there and He makes all things new!  

New Year, New Hope

Happy New Year! 

As I look back at 2014, and look ahead to 2015, I am filled with tremendous hope and anticipation of what's certain to be a life changing year for us. Based on my due date, the possibility of meeting our baby boy is just 31 days away! One month to go! Maybe sooner, maybe later. 

Next to the year I got engaged and married, I've never looked forward to something so much in my life. The thought of being a mom, entrusted with a precious new life, both excites and scares me. God has chosen Andrew and I to be this little boy's parents. The wonder and uncertainty of it all overwhelms my heart. I'm so thankful for what God is doing, and is about to do in our lives.

Last year at this time, we didn't know when or if we'd be pregnant. The first portion of the year was characterized by disappointment, frustration, sadness, prayers for patience and increased reliance on God's strength and timing. After "giving up" our will, our way and surrendering to the fact that it was out of our control, God surprised us when I found out I was pregnant in early June. It was an answer to our prayers and the most wonderful gift! 

For the rest of 2014 I felt a new sense of joy, hope, and so much thankfulness, completely humbled that God would bless us so abundantly. God is good. He's always been good. In so many countless ways throughout my entire life. I can look back at each of my 32 years and see God's hand carrying me, protecting me, loving me, leading me, helping me, saving me. Even when I turned away from Him or couldn't understand what He was doing. Through the good and the bad. When the road was beautiful and easy and when it was dark and difficult. Sure, I still have moments of uncertainty and doubt. I am human and flawed. But in the depths of my soul I know He is there, through it all. All of it is because of Him. Because of His great grace and merciful love, of which I am completely undeserving, yet so incredibly grateful. 

I hope that in 2015, you too, come to know the depths of God's love for you. That you experience His unspeakable joy and know what it's like to live life with Him. You were made by Him and for Him. He is so in love with you. It's hard to comprehend, I know, but it's true! 

The photo above was taken in early November, at the same spot where we had our wedding photos taken, nine and a half years ago. 

We've grown so much and come so far in almost 10 years since our wedding day. God has carried us through many seasons. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us in 2015 and all the years head. 

Away in a Manger

We saw a live nativity performance when we celebrated Christmas a little early with our family in Pennsylvania. It was outside, at a dairy farm with (real) people and animals.  There were even angels on top of the barn roof, wise men with gifts and shepherds with sheep. I was trying to remember if I'd ever seen one like this, and I don't think I have. The message of Jesus Christ coming to earth was beautifully presented through Christmas songs and Bible readings.

One song in particular, I'd never heard before, was so beautiful I had to look it up when I got home. The lyrics speak about the night of Jesus' birth and the hopeless state our world was in before his arrival. The world would never be the same after that night. 

The Night Before Christmas

Brandon Heath

Empty manger, perfect stranger about to be born.

Into darkness, sadness, desperate madness, creation so torn.

We were so lost on earth, no peace, no worth, no way to escape.

In fear, no faith, no hope, no grace, and no light.

But that was the night before Christmas.

Warm hay, cold sweat, a mother, not yet, praying godspeed the dawn.

She looks to her man, holding her hand, they wonder how long. 

And the shepherds, wise men come to find them, and bow to a king.

One star above shining on love, so bright

it lit up the night before Christmas.

And the world didn't know, mercy was meek and so mild.

And the world didn't know that truth was as pure as a child.

The night before Christmas

The night before Christmas

And the world didn't know, redemption was sweet and so strong.

And the world didn't know salvation was writing a song.

The night before Christmas

The night before Christmas 

The night before Christmas

I can't help but identify with Mary, more than ever before in my life, as I'm 34 weeks pregnant, with my first son. I can't help but put myself in her place, anticipating giving birth, while traveling far from home. Only to arrive in Bethlehem and learn that there's no room in the inn. A barn meant for animals is the only place to take refuge in and this is where she will deliver a precious baby boy, the Son of God. Talk about the most unideal circumstances! No doctors, nurses, medical equipment or clean hospital bed. This would be an absolute nightmare for me. But it was all part of God's divine plan. 

"And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Luke 2:7-14

Jesus Christ, Savior of the world, sent to earth as a baby, born to die for our sins, so that we could be reconciled to God. This is what Christmas is really about.

Our Story, Part 2

Two years passed before we became pregnant again, with the precious baby boy I am carrying now. There he is, at 18 weeks. All I can say is God is good! To Him be the glory. 

I'd like to acknowledge all the women who desire nothing more than to be a mom. Those of you who have tried to conceive for years. Those of you who know loss, and multiple losses. Those of you wondering if you'll ever reach the other side and see that sacred dream fulfilled. If I could, I'd wrap my arms around you. God knows the desires of your heart. He hears each prayer and sees each tear. Even when you have nothing left and you're at your breaking point, He is there. I know, because I've been there. 

I've been the only one in a room full of women unable to share stories of child raising and potty training. I've been on the receiving end of those all-to-thoughtless and tactless questions such as "When are you going to have kids already?" I've had to force a smile, even though I was truly happy for someone announcing their pregnancy, when deep down inside I couldn't shake the question of when would it be my turn. I've even wondered what was wrong with me and what I did or didn't do to deserve this time of intense waiting. I felt the clock ticking and it felt like forever was passing me by. I looked enviously at adorable pregnant bellies. I was unpleasantly surprised at how much bitterness grew in my heart. It was doubly hard having experienced the beginnings of pregnancy and feeling such joy, only to have it abruptly slip through my grasp without warning or reason. At least, for a reason I may never know. 

It's very hard for husbands as well. They're grieving and processing great loss, while also trying to be supportive and wishing there was a way to "fix" it. 

I wish I had a fix-all formula or five step process to help anyone going through a similar time, but I don't. Everyone is different and everyone's story is unique. I've always been a private person. Something this personal and raw was very hard for me to talk about, with anyone, for a long time. I wouldn't have been able to make it through my saddest days without the love of Jesus, the love of my husband and prayer. I knew God was holding me in the palm of His hand. Even despite my feelings, God's love for me never wavered. His promises in the Bible are still true. He was, and is, still good, all the time, no matter what.

Patience is an on-going lesson for me. An even bigger lesson I've had to come to grips with, is weather God does, or doesn't, He is good. I had to switch my way of thinking from "what if" to "even if." Even if God doesn't answer my prayers the way I want Him to, He is still God and He is good. Even if I'm unable to have children, God is good. Even if I loose my job, a loved one, my health, or any number of things, God is good. He is always in control. He has a plan, and His plans are for my good. Not my plan, my way or even my timing. His. 

I'm also thankful for the special women in my life who have come alongside me, supported me, prayed with me and for me, and lifted me up when I needed it most. I love you and thank God for you. Thank you for sharing your stories, for your encouragement, and for being living extensions of God's love.

I've learned that far more women have experienced loss, miscarriage(s) and infertility (I hate using that word) than I ever realized. Oftentimes, suffering in silence or isolation. I have dear sweet friends who are going through it now. I just want you to know, if this is you, you're not alone. I was encouraged by women I never met who blogged about their stores and personal struggles. You never know where someone is in their journey. And you never know how your story might impact them and be what they need to hear.

This is why it's been on my heart to share our story. I don't want to hide the fact that God has brought us this far and that it's only by His love and grace that we are here today, excitedly expecting a baby from the LORD. Our marriage has been strengthened. Our desire to be parents and raise children who love God has been strengthened. We can't wait for this baby! We look forward to all the wonderful moments as well as the challenges of parenthood. 

Our God is able to do above and beyond what we think or ask. I'm trusting Him daily to carry me through the next 16 weeks and meet our baby boy face to face. To the glory of God.  

Don't loose hope dear friend. 

"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." Ephesians 3:20

Our Story, Part 1

Currently, I'm 24 weeks wonderfully pregnant with our son. Just the thought of that fills my heart with so much joy, anticipation and pure hope of what's to come! A God-breathed gift. A growing miracle in every sense of the word. I am so thankful to be at this point, over half way to our February 2nd due date. I keep thanking God for this precious little growing life and praying, trusting Him for a healthy baby. 

I've started writing this a few different times. I'd like to say that our journey of starting a family has been an easy one. That it went according to our "plan". That it was without heartache and frustration. But, it hasn't been quite that way. I wish I could say that this is our first pregnancy and that I only associate feelings of joy and happiness with being pregnant for the first time. 

Back when Andrew and I were dating, we both knew we wanted to have kids some day. Having a family is something we've always looked forward to. We got married in July 2005, just five months after getting engaged, which was after six months of "officially" dating, about a year after we met. Things happened a little fast, you could say. But when you know, you know. And we both knew that God brought us together. Our relationship was still new in many ways. We had lots of time ahead of us for getting to know each other and growing as a married couple. We were 23-year-old newlyweds, recent college graduates with our first grownup jobs, settling into our first apartment and life together as Mr. and Mrs. We cherish the years we've shared "just the two of us." We bought our first house, continued to work full-time, travelled, vacationed and made so many memories.

The truth is, we always have, and still do, enjoy each others company. After 9 years of marriage, in today's culture, that's a gift to hang on to. Don't get me wrong, we've had our ups and downs, like any couple (it's not always rainbows and butterflies), but we're in this for the long haul and we're committed to each other, our marriage, and the promise we made before God, our family and friends. I mention this because I often get semi-surprised reactions when I tell people how long we've been married and inevitably, the next question I'm asked is do we have kids. 

Our tentative "plan" was to have kids after 3 years of marriage, which then drifted to 5 years of marriage. By our 6th anniversary we felt "ready" to take that leap and start a family. I always thought I would be pregnant or have my first child by the time I was 30. Things were lining up to meet that timetable. Three days before my 30th birthday, I took a pregnancy test and saw those beautiful positive lines for the first time. Andrew and I were ecstatic and in joyful disbelief. We were going to have a baby! God had answered our prayers. 

My pregnancy was confirmed at the doctors office and we were thrilled. However, upon follow up ultrasounds, things didn't look as promising as they should. But, it was still early. All we could do was wait, hope and pray. A few more uncertain, agonizing weeks and ultrasounds later, they didn't see what should have been there. They couldn't detect a heartbeat. We were utterly devastated and heartbroken, to say the least. At around 6 weeks, our dreams of being parents were abruptly taken from us. It felt like as quickly as we learned the news that we were expecting, we weren't anymore. We hadn't even told our families. We looked so forward to being able to celebrate and share good news, that the thought of delivering and reliving the greatest sadness we had ever experienced, was just too overwhelming and painful at the time. 

I wanted to curl up and hide. Push it all away. Pretend this wasn't happening to us. We lost our first child, as tiny as he or she was, we won't know him or her until we meet in heaven. 

I can't explain how I made it though the days, weeks and months that followed, except through prayer and faith in the LORD. His grace is what got me through. I woke up every day knowing that despite the pain, God is in control and He has a plan, even when I can't see or understand it. Naturally, I was hurting deeply and experienced a roller coaster of emotions. Sadness, anger, frustration, discouragement, jealousy, bitterness, despair. Some days were exceptionally hard. 

That Easter (2012), we visited Andrew's parents in Pennsylvania before we had our final ultrasound. The Easter Sunday church service celebrated Christ's death, burial and resurrection, but the thing I remember most, are three different couples that stood in front of the congregation and shared their personal stories of how God formed their families. Some experienced years of infertility. Some chose to adopt. Some were blessed with children after years and years of waiting. Each story was unique and beautiful and seeped in Gods timing and divine plan. His plan. Not ours. Those words were spoken the Sunday that Andrew and I were visiting and going through an uncertain and emotional roller coaster. It was as if it was a message just for us. I left that morning encouraged not to loose hope, and at the same time praying that we wouldn't have to walk down such a difficult road. 

Less than two weeks later, our precious dream was gone. We were left picking up the pieces of our broken hearts, giving them to God, and starting again. Learning to hope again. Asking God to hear our prayers and heal our hearts. 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

"You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You: Because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. A day I wasn't even aware of until I experienced my own loss. I know many women and couples who have gone through heartbreak. My heart goes out to each and every one. I know God is holding our precious ones close to Him. 

I realize that everyone's story is different. I'm sharing our story because it's part of our journey. I felt it was time to break my silence and share what God brought us through in order to more fully celebrate the amazing miracle He's making now. My faith has been tested and I'm learning to trust God more than ever before in my life. His ways are not our ways, but we can rest assured that His ways are for our good. 

I may not know you or what you're going through, but if there's some way that I might be able to encourage you or pray for you, please reach out to me. I would be honored to be there for you. You are not alone.

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalms 27:14

Beautiful Things

I've had the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor on repeat. It's become part of my life's soundtrack lately. The lyrics are so simple, yet powerful. I mainly like the chorus and find my self humming, "You make me new, You are making me new" all throughout the day. 

It reminds me of  2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

I designed the above quote desktop/screensaver. Feel free to download and use as your own beautiful reminder. I took this photo last summer while driving past a field that caused me to pull over just to capture the beauty of it all. 

My heart has been heavy for those going through difficult times. Sickness. Divorce. Death. Loss. Broken relationships. Life is hard. It's also beautiful. It's only by the grace of God that we get to experience both. 

A reoccurring truth that's been so impressed upon me lately is that He is still my Jesus, no matter what's going on in this life. It sounds so elementary. Through the good and the bad, He is God. In blessings and in pain, He is faithful. When my heart is overflowing with joy and when I can't hold back the tears, He is the same. Yesterday, today and forever. His love never fails. Never. Not once. 

We may not see or understand it, but His plans are always beautiful and always good. "All around hope is springing up from this old ground. Out of chaos life is being found in You."

Beautiful Things - Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in you

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new

You make me new, You are making me new

What Christmas Means to Me

Merry Christmas!

From little Ohl me, to all of you. I'm so thankful for those who take time to visit Sohl Design. Thank you for sharing a little piece of my heart. 

Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. Not because of pretty lights, Christmas trees, cookies or gifts (although, I like all of those, very much). Christmas is important to me because it celebrates when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, my Savior, came to Earth. God's only Son became a man, with the ultimate goal of dying for us, so our sins could be forgiven. That baby in a manger was the King, with a history changing mission.

The story of "the little Lord Jesus" can be heard in Christmas songs throughout shopping malls and in carols sung by children's choirs. Joy to the world, the Lord is come! O holy night, the stars are brightly shining, it is the night of our dear Savior's birth. Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down His sweet head. Come and behold Him, born the King of angels!

It's not a fairy tale or a legend. Jesus came to Earth, through a miraculous yet humble beginning, because of God's love for you and me. Because sin needed a cure. Because we would never be good enough or capable of earning our way into Heaven. The real meaning of Christmas isn't about Santa Claus, presents under the tree or even family gatherings. It's about the greatest gift in the history of the world, God's gift to us, salvation through Jesus Christ. 

"But God demonstrated His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God," Ephesians 2:8

I may not know what you think about God, religion or what life is about. But I do know that Jesus Christ is the answer. He is the reason that I live and the reason I have hope when life gets hard. He is the One I praise and thank for life's wonderful blessings and the One I pray to when I don't understand. He is the One who gives me strength when I don't have any. He is a good God, all the time. Even when things seem unfair. Even when hurt, sickness and sadness plague this world. He is there. He sees it all. And He made a way.

Jesus was born, two thousand years ago in Bethlehem, so that anyone who believes in Him can have their sins forgiven in exchange for eternal life, in paradise. John 3:16-17 says "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." 

We need a savior. If you listen to the news for five minutes, you know this world is in dire need. We are born sinners. I'm a sinner. You're a sinner. The world is riddled with sin. That's the plain truth. The only solution is Jesus. Not being a good person. Not donating enough money. Not doing good things. Putting your faith and trust in Jesus Christ is the only way to be saved. 

It's not about religion or a list of do's and don'ts. It's about a relationship with the God of the universe, the One who created you and made your heart. It's about life transformation from the inside out. It's about having faith and believing in the One who knew you before you were born. God is offering a gift to YOU, the gift of salvation and eternal life. What better way to experience Christmas? I can't tell you how much He loves you! You are not alone on this journey of life. Jesus loves you so much that He gave His life for you.

More than anything this Christmas, my prayer is that you would find the real meaning of Christmas in Jesus. I also pray that you enjoy spending time with your loved ones and that 2014 is a year of health, joy and God's richest blessings! 

This guy (Chancho) also wants to say Merry Christmas and photobombed my photo attempts. I don't think there were cats at the original nativity. But maybe. 

Merry Christmas!

Gratitude Check

This is one of my favorite spots at a nearby park. Today, I sat here looking out at the still water, pondering life, as I have many times. I was thinking about gratitude (or my lack thereof). Our church has been teaching a miniseries about contentment. Learning to be thankful for what we have, in whatever state we're in. That means being content wherever you are in life right now, poor or rich, employed or unemployed, married or single, in a house or in an apartment, successful or unsuccessful.

Contentment isn't always easy for me. I'm usually looking ahead to the "next thing." Once I reach an accomplishment or gain what I was after, it's great for a while, but then I wonder, what's next?

With social media - Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest - it's easier than ever to look at other people and think, why don't I have that house/job/talent/family/_________? Pretty soon we start comparing our lives and in creeps discontentment. 

In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul (in prison) talks about learning to be content: "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." 

I got a speeding ticket this weekend. Yes, that's right. The only other speeding ticket I ever got was over 6 years ago. Once I got over the annoyance that I got a ticket (even though I was going faster than I should have been), it made me think. What's the point of a speeding ticket? To remind you to drive slower and follow the speed limit. Why? Because it's ultimately for your safety, and the safety of others. It was a tangible (and expensive) reminder to me to S-L-O-W down. Both on the road and in life. 

If I keep wishing away the here and now, speeding ahead to the "next thing", I'll miss the wonderful life that's right in front of me. I'm guilty of falling into the trap of thinking "if I only had this or that, I'd be happy". Not so. Learning to be satisfied and content with what God has already abundantly blessed me with is the key. And I needed to be reminded of that. 

I like what Liz wrote about the Ugly Side of Comparison. Following her lead, I'm going to share a brief gratitude list of my own. I encourage you to make your own list too! 

First and foremost, I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the unmatchable, undeserved gift of salvation and eternal life. Thank you Lord! 

I have a husband who loves me unconditionally, treats me like a queen and makes me laugh. 8 years of marriage later, and he still looks at me the same way with those amazing blue eyes, even though I don't deserve him. 

I have a pretty sweet job, doing what I went to college for - and it pays the bills. 

We live in a house that we picked out together and continue to make our own.

I have very good credit. 

I have two cats that like to sit on my lap, snuggle and greet me whenever I come home. It makes cleaning up after them worth it (for the most part).

I live in the United States of America.

I have good health, the ability to travel and enjoy life on a daily basis. 

I have a variety of hobbies and talents that I enjoy. 

I am a fashionista and I have good hair (most days). 

I have friends and family. 
 
This is by no means an extensive list, or intended to come across as "bragging". I think it's good to take a close look at what we have to be thankful for on a regular basis. I call this my gratitude check. Feel free to do the same. God is good. All the time. 

Jen Stanbro

I am excited to introduce you to Jen Stanbro, my beautiful and very talented singer/song writer friend. She's one of my oldest and dearest friends on the planet, and she's also a wife, mom, teacher and musician. She puts her heart and soul into everything she does, and she does it for the glory of God.

Jen has been blessed with an amazing voice and the gift of composing songs of worship, encouragement, and original sounds that impact the listener. If you've had the opportunity to hear her sing in person, you know what I'm talking about.

An incredible opportunity to record her music has presented itself. With enough financial support, she will be able to pursue this ministry and share her heart and her music with an even larger audience. You can listen to samples of her music here. Visit JenStanbro.com to read her story.

If you would like to support this ministry, you can back the project, Jen Sings for Jesus, via Kickstarter. There's a very cool promotional video and more information, including how you can receive a digital download. 

Thank you so much for your support!

The Key

I found a canvas zipper pouch at a craft store with the simple message "being yourself is the key". I was drawn to the charming vintage key image, but something about the words spoke to me. A little cheesy, yes, but so true.

As elementary as this statement may be, it can be challenging to achieve. It got me thinking about how often I compare myself to others. Someone will always be more talented. More intelligent. More creative. More successful. More confident. Prettier. Funnier. Thinner. Happier. You can fill in the blank. There will always be someone out there doing it (whatever "it" may be) better. That's the danger of the comparison game. 

The key really is to be yourself. You. The person God purposefully created you to be. I am one of a kind. You are one of a kind. No one else has your gifts, your personality, your characteristics. I need to remind myself of that truth often. Instead of trying so hard to accomplish, impress, succeed or portray the "best" version of myself that I want people to see.  

God doesn't make mistakes. He made each of us exactly who we are. And He loves us more than we know.  

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Hold on to that truth. Know that you are wonderful and you are loved. Be who the LORD created you to be. That's the real key to being yourself.