Three Reasons to Give Thanks, Our Story Continued

As November draws to a close, I can’t help but remember that this month might have been our first baby’s fourth birthday. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to enter the month of Thanksgiving without remembering the life that wasn’t ours to hold here on Earth.

You can read Part 1 and Part 2 of our journey.

Today, it’s been about two months since we thought that we would be having another baby, our third. I never wanted to add another chapter to our story about miscarriage and loss.

But, God.

I keep being reminded that God’s divine timing is not ours.

Andrew and I are loving each stage with our almost 22 month old, on-the-go, cute-as-can-be, into everything, toddler, Marshall. He is funny and fast and just so lovable. We definitely want to have more children, if God chooses, and we recently thought that dream was coming true for us.

In September, I took three positive home pregnancy tests. And another at my doctors office to be sure. Pure excitement, amazement and happy shock! I couldn’t wait to share the incredible news with Andrew. We looked at each other in disbelief, hugged and cried tears of joy. Marshall was going to be a big brother! We couldn’t be happier.

The thing with having ever experienced a miscarriage, even after delivering a healthy baby, is that the fear and uncertainty doesn’t leave you. The “what if’s” are always there, looming, in the back of your mind. It overshadows your joy. It makes you halfheartedly believe. You try to be all-in excited, but your heart still remembers the hurt and the heartbreak you once knew, at a familiar time in the past. I wanted those worry-filled thoughts to disappear. To stop whispering doubt into my ear. To stop robbing me of the happiness of this moment. But it kept hanging around.

We daydreamed about welcoming a new baby into our family. We celebrated with pizza (fancy, I know). We started strategizing how to make additional room in our home. And we prayed. And we talked about our excitement and about our fears. We hoped and prayed that God wouldn’t allow us to walk down the road of loss again.

My first ultrasound was scheduled the following week (per my request), when we would be a little over seven weeks pregnant. I simply could not wait to see our tiny growing baby on the screen and see that precious little heart beating. Then, and only then, would I be able to rest a little easier and fully bask in the joy of this pregnancy. I needed to see it to believe it.

The day before our ultrasound, however, I knew something wasn’t right. In addition, I didn’t “feel” very pregnant in general, except for some occasional nausea. I told myself not to freak out and that every pregnancy is different. It was still early. I was just going to wait to see the doctor the next day.

We drove to the appointment, which is at the same hospital where Marshall was born, and we got ready to see our tiny new baby for the first time. Except, there was no baby on the screen. My womb looked empty. The technician kindly told us that she could not see a developing pregnancy and that she was going to go talk to the doctor. When the technician came back, she performed a second ultrasound to be sure. Then the doctor came in and confirmed the news we didn’t want to hear.

How could this be?

How could I be pregnant, but there not be a baby growing inside of me?

Miscarriage.

That ugly word.

Again.

Something didn’t go right. The baby we thought was developing, simply was not. Almost as quickly as we learned that we were pregnant, we were faced with the reality that we weren’t anymore.

I had blood work done to be sure. And a follow up appointment. And more blood work.

The verdict: miscarriage. There was nothing we could do to stop it or explain it. Our hearts were once again left broken and wondering why.

Why put our hearts and our hopes through that? Why get us excited and looking forward to another dream coming true, only to have it trampled and stolen so quickly away? Why must we relive such sadness and disappointment, a second time over? It doesn’t make sense. After experiencing the joy and answered prayer of allowing us to be Marshall’s parents, why revisit that place of deep loss?

His ways are not our ways.

I couldn’t utter a word on the drive home. I sobbed in Andrew’s arms when he held me in our kitchen, while Marshall played in the other room. How was I supposed to get through this day? How was I supposed to move forward? Why was this happening? Again. What a cruel trick. I felt so foolish. Foolish for believing. Foolish for hoping it to be true and for all to be well. Foolish for allowing myself to dream and to be excited.

When Marshall took a nap, I buried myself under a blanket and fell asleep. When I woke, somehow I felt better. Like it was all a dream. Like I knew that this was the way God wanted it to be and everything was in His very capable hands. I was reminded that I have been given a husband and a son and a beautiful life, and most importantly, the life-giving gift of salvation. I had to get up, keep going and hope again. A simple and ridiculously hard truth.

I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt, deeply, because it does. It stings. In moments that I don’t expect. But, the fact that I have my husband of eleven years, walking the same road beside me, and our beautiful son to take care of, makes it somehow easier and more bearable. God has always been so very good to us, in the good times and in the difficult times. I know that God is in control, through it all, and that I can trust him. Even when it doesn’t make sense to me. Even when I wish things had gone very differently.

I am truly amazed at how tangibly God has been surrounding me during these days and weeks. The Sunday before our ultrasound, our new pastor started a series entitled “Seasons.” It couldn’t have been more timely. Trusting God, no matter the circumstances. I felt like the message was just for us. The worship team sang “Thy Will Be Done,” by Hilary Scott. A song that has been narrating my life for weeks prior to all of this.

Three days after our ultrasound didn’t go as hoped, I attended the More Than Enough women’s conference with guest speaker Angie Smith. I first heard Angie speak on Mother’s Day, 2014, while we were still in a season of intense waiting to get pregnant, after our first miscarriage in 2012. I knew I would be in for some serious heart stirring. That was an understatement. On the drive there, I was able to share my heartbreak and pray with a dear friend, who could not have been a more perfect listening ear and compassionate heart. Her words and understanding surrounded me with such love and comfort. During the conference, the stories that were shared about reliance on our Heavenly Father during utter heartbreak and unthinkable loss were nothing short of inspiring, and so specific to what I was going through, that very day. I knew God had planned it, long before I purchased my ticket. Later in the conference “Thy Will Be done” was played. That same song, twice in one week. Once before and once after I found out that I miscarried.

I’m listening, God.

“I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me. Goodness you have in store. Thy will be done.” That song has been speaking to my heart continually.

There are many moments that I have felt the hand of God holding me and healing my wounded heart. Through people I’ve had conversations with, a blog I came across, messages at church, songs, the sweet laugh of my son, the love of family and friends. It’s been a much different experience than our first miscarriage. Not because I’m any less sad or any less disappointed. I was in a very different place, prior to having our son, not knowing if I would get pregnant at all and be able to experience having a child. All of the praise and glory goes to God for his good gifts! I don’t deserve His love and mercy and pure abundance. I am overwhelmed by His goodness and grace. Such grace.

I’m sharing my story, in hopes that maybe it will help someone else. I also share it to proclaim that it’s only because of Jesus Christ that I’m able to get up every day. Before, during and after all of this. My life isn’t perfect - far from it. I have struggles and I’ve had to face some very difficult days throughout my life. Days that, were it not for my relationship with my Creator, my Heavenly Father, the Giver of Life, I don’t know how I would handle it. He is my Living Hope. He is the reason I have joy. True joy. Not just putting on a smile and pretending. Even during the hurt, I have hope. How can this be? Because I am loved and cherished and held by the God of the universe.

I wear three rings now. One with the birthstone or due date month of each of my three children. I get to cuddle and look into the eyes of one of those sweet children, every day. And I look forward to meeting our two precious gifts in Heaven. Three reasons to thank God.

I don’t really know how to close this. To be continued. Because I don’t know what the future holds. Anymore than I knew what the future held a few weeks ago. I’m learning, daily, that as much as I might try, I’m not in control. Of anything. Only God is. And I’m grateful for that, because if I was in control, oh, the mess I’d have made of my life by now. Thank you, LORD, that You are in control, and that You know what’s best for us. You truly are a good, good, Father, and you are so perfect in all of your ways. (Another song that gets to me every time is “Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin.)

If you have known the pain of loss, my prayer is that the God of all comfort will heal your heart. I also pray that if you don’t already know Him, that you would pursue a relationship with God, your Heavenly Father, who loves you like crazy. I’m proof that you can love Him and you can trust Him. He created you and knows your heart. He also knows what it’s like to have His heart broken, because He watched His only Son, Jesus, die for you and me. The ultimate gift of love.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 NIV

Our Story, Part 2

Two years passed before we became pregnant again, with the precious baby boy I am carrying now. There he is, at 18 weeks. All I can say is God is good! To Him be the glory. 

I'd like to acknowledge all the women who desire nothing more than to be a mom. Those of you who have tried to conceive for years. Those of you who know loss, and multiple losses. Those of you wondering if you'll ever reach the other side and see that sacred dream fulfilled. If I could, I'd wrap my arms around you. God knows the desires of your heart. He hears each prayer and sees each tear. Even when you have nothing left and you're at your breaking point, He is there. I know, because I've been there. 

I've been the only one in a room full of women unable to share stories of child raising and potty training. I've been on the receiving end of those all-to-thoughtless and tactless questions such as "When are you going to have kids already?" I've had to force a smile, even though I was truly happy for someone announcing their pregnancy, when deep down inside I couldn't shake the question of when would it be my turn. I've even wondered what was wrong with me and what I did or didn't do to deserve this time of intense waiting. I felt the clock ticking and it felt like forever was passing me by. I looked enviously at adorable pregnant bellies. I was unpleasantly surprised at how much bitterness grew in my heart. It was doubly hard having experienced the beginnings of pregnancy and feeling such joy, only to have it abruptly slip through my grasp without warning or reason. At least, for a reason I may never know. 

It's very hard for husbands as well. They're grieving and processing great loss, while also trying to be supportive and wishing there was a way to "fix" it. 

I wish I had a fix-all formula or five step process to help anyone going through a similar time, but I don't. Everyone is different and everyone's story is unique. I've always been a private person. Something this personal and raw was very hard for me to talk about, with anyone, for a long time. I wouldn't have been able to make it through my saddest days without the love of Jesus, the love of my husband and prayer. I knew God was holding me in the palm of His hand. Even despite my feelings, God's love for me never wavered. His promises in the Bible are still true. He was, and is, still good, all the time, no matter what.

Patience is an on-going lesson for me. An even bigger lesson I've had to come to grips with, is weather God does, or doesn't, He is good. I had to switch my way of thinking from "what if" to "even if." Even if God doesn't answer my prayers the way I want Him to, He is still God and He is good. Even if I'm unable to have children, God is good. Even if I loose my job, a loved one, my health, or any number of things, God is good. He is always in control. He has a plan, and His plans are for my good. Not my plan, my way or even my timing. His. 

I'm also thankful for the special women in my life who have come alongside me, supported me, prayed with me and for me, and lifted me up when I needed it most. I love you and thank God for you. Thank you for sharing your stories, for your encouragement, and for being living extensions of God's love.

I've learned that far more women have experienced loss, miscarriage(s) and infertility (I hate using that word) than I ever realized. Oftentimes, suffering in silence or isolation. I have dear sweet friends who are going through it now. I just want you to know, if this is you, you're not alone. I was encouraged by women I never met who blogged about their stores and personal struggles. You never know where someone is in their journey. And you never know how your story might impact them and be what they need to hear.

This is why it's been on my heart to share our story. I don't want to hide the fact that God has brought us this far and that it's only by His love and grace that we are here today, excitedly expecting a baby from the LORD. Our marriage has been strengthened. Our desire to be parents and raise children who love God has been strengthened. We can't wait for this baby! We look forward to all the wonderful moments as well as the challenges of parenthood. 

Our God is able to do above and beyond what we think or ask. I'm trusting Him daily to carry me through the next 16 weeks and meet our baby boy face to face. To the glory of God.  

Don't loose hope dear friend. 

"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." Ephesians 3:20

Our Story, Part 1

Currently, I'm 24 weeks wonderfully pregnant with our son. Just the thought of that fills my heart with so much joy, anticipation and pure hope of what's to come! A God-breathed gift. A growing miracle in every sense of the word. I am so thankful to be at this point, over half way to our February 2nd due date. I keep thanking God for this precious little growing life and praying, trusting Him for a healthy baby. 

I've started writing this a few different times. I'd like to say that our journey of starting a family has been an easy one. That it went according to our "plan". That it was without heartache and frustration. But, it hasn't been quite that way. I wish I could say that this is our first pregnancy and that I only associate feelings of joy and happiness with being pregnant for the first time. 

Back when Andrew and I were dating, we both knew we wanted to have kids some day. Having a family is something we've always looked forward to. We got married in July 2005, just five months after getting engaged, which was after six months of "officially" dating, about a year after we met. Things happened a little fast, you could say. But when you know, you know. And we both knew that God brought us together. Our relationship was still new in many ways. We had lots of time ahead of us for getting to know each other and growing as a married couple. We were 23-year-old newlyweds, recent college graduates with our first grownup jobs, settling into our first apartment and life together as Mr. and Mrs. We cherish the years we've shared "just the two of us." We bought our first house, continued to work full-time, travelled, vacationed and made so many memories.

The truth is, we always have, and still do, enjoy each others company. After 9 years of marriage, in today's culture, that's a gift to hang on to. Don't get me wrong, we've had our ups and downs, like any couple (it's not always rainbows and butterflies), but we're in this for the long haul and we're committed to each other, our marriage, and the promise we made before God, our family and friends. I mention this because I often get semi-surprised reactions when I tell people how long we've been married and inevitably, the next question I'm asked is do we have kids. 

Our tentative "plan" was to have kids after 3 years of marriage, which then drifted to 5 years of marriage. By our 6th anniversary we felt "ready" to take that leap and start a family. I always thought I would be pregnant or have my first child by the time I was 30. Things were lining up to meet that timetable. Three days before my 30th birthday, I took a pregnancy test and saw those beautiful positive lines for the first time. Andrew and I were ecstatic and in joyful disbelief. We were going to have a baby! God had answered our prayers. 

My pregnancy was confirmed at the doctors office and we were thrilled. However, upon follow up ultrasounds, things didn't look as promising as they should. But, it was still early. All we could do was wait, hope and pray. A few more uncertain, agonizing weeks and ultrasounds later, they didn't see what should have been there. They couldn't detect a heartbeat. We were utterly devastated and heartbroken, to say the least. At around 6 weeks, our dreams of being parents were abruptly taken from us. It felt like as quickly as we learned the news that we were expecting, we weren't anymore. We hadn't even told our families. We looked so forward to being able to celebrate and share good news, that the thought of delivering and reliving the greatest sadness we had ever experienced, was just too overwhelming and painful at the time. 

I wanted to curl up and hide. Push it all away. Pretend this wasn't happening to us. We lost our first child, as tiny as he or she was, we won't know him or her until we meet in heaven. 

I can't explain how I made it though the days, weeks and months that followed, except through prayer and faith in the LORD. His grace is what got me through. I woke up every day knowing that despite the pain, God is in control and He has a plan, even when I can't see or understand it. Naturally, I was hurting deeply and experienced a roller coaster of emotions. Sadness, anger, frustration, discouragement, jealousy, bitterness, despair. Some days were exceptionally hard. 

That Easter (2012), we visited Andrew's parents in Pennsylvania before we had our final ultrasound. The Easter Sunday church service celebrated Christ's death, burial and resurrection, but the thing I remember most, are three different couples that stood in front of the congregation and shared their personal stories of how God formed their families. Some experienced years of infertility. Some chose to adopt. Some were blessed with children after years and years of waiting. Each story was unique and beautiful and seeped in Gods timing and divine plan. His plan. Not ours. Those words were spoken the Sunday that Andrew and I were visiting and going through an uncertain and emotional roller coaster. It was as if it was a message just for us. I left that morning encouraged not to loose hope, and at the same time praying that we wouldn't have to walk down such a difficult road. 

Less than two weeks later, our precious dream was gone. We were left picking up the pieces of our broken hearts, giving them to God, and starting again. Learning to hope again. Asking God to hear our prayers and heal our hearts. 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

"You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You: Because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. A day I wasn't even aware of until I experienced my own loss. I know many women and couples who have gone through heartbreak. My heart goes out to each and every one. I know God is holding our precious ones close to Him. 

I realize that everyone's story is different. I'm sharing our story because it's part of our journey. I felt it was time to break my silence and share what God brought us through in order to more fully celebrate the amazing miracle He's making now. My faith has been tested and I'm learning to trust God more than ever before in my life. His ways are not our ways, but we can rest assured that His ways are for our good. 

I may not know you or what you're going through, but if there's some way that I might be able to encourage you or pray for you, please reach out to me. I would be honored to be there for you. You are not alone.

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalms 27:14

Big Wonderful Announcement!

Andrew and I are absolutely overjoyed to share the news that we are having a BABY!!!

Our little one is due around February 2, 2015 and we cannot wait to meet him or her! We hope to find out the gender next month. Everything still seems so surreal and wonderful and amazing all at the same time. 

We are in awe of our Great God, the Creator and Giver of life. It's so incredible to see our tiny baby during ultrasounds. I just stare at the pictures. And it's the most glorious sound in the world to hear his/her tiny heart beating. It is the sweetest sound! We are so thankful for this growing miracle and for what God is doing. 

We are also so blessed by the outpouring of love, support and excitement from our friends and family. Thank you for your prayers, kind words and for sharing in our joy! 

There will certainly be more to come. I just wanted to share our big wonderful announcement! 

Hugs,
Sarah