Two years passed before we became pregnant again, with the precious baby boy I am carrying now. There he is, at 18 weeks. All I can say is God is good! To Him be the glory.
I'd like to acknowledge all the women who desire nothing more than to be a mom. Those of you who have tried to conceive for years. Those of you who know loss, and multiple losses. Those of you wondering if you'll ever reach the other side and see that sacred dream fulfilled. If I could, I'd wrap my arms around you. God knows the desires of your heart. He hears each prayer and sees each tear. Even when you have nothing left and you're at your breaking point, He is there. I know, because I've been there.
I've been the only one in a room full of women unable to share stories of child raising and potty training. I've been on the receiving end of those all-to-thoughtless and tactless questions such as "When are you going to have kids already?" I've had to force a smile, even though I was truly happy for someone announcing their pregnancy, when deep down inside I couldn't shake the question of when would it be my turn. I've even wondered what was wrong with me and what I did or didn't do to deserve this time of intense waiting. I felt the clock ticking and it felt like forever was passing me by. I looked enviously at adorable pregnant bellies. I was unpleasantly surprised at how much bitterness grew in my heart. It was doubly hard having experienced the beginnings of pregnancy and feeling such joy, only to have it abruptly slip through my grasp without warning or reason. At least, for a reason I may never know.
It's very hard for husbands as well. They're grieving and processing great loss, while also trying to be supportive and wishing there was a way to "fix" it.
I wish I had a fix-all formula or five step process to help anyone going through a similar time, but I don't. Everyone is different and everyone's story is unique. I've always been a private person. Something this personal and raw was very hard for me to talk about, with anyone, for a long time. I wouldn't have been able to make it through my saddest days without the love of Jesus, the love of my husband and prayer. I knew God was holding me in the palm of His hand. Even despite my feelings, God's love for me never wavered. His promises in the Bible are still true. He was, and is, still good, all the time, no matter what.
Patience is an on-going lesson for me. An even bigger lesson I've had to come to grips with, is weather God does, or doesn't, He is good. I had to switch my way of thinking from "what if" to "even if." Even if God doesn't answer my prayers the way I want Him to, He is still God and He is good. Even if I'm unable to have children, God is good. Even if I loose my job, a loved one, my health, or any number of things, God is good. He is always in control. He has a plan, and His plans are for my good. Not my plan, my way or even my timing. His.
I'm also thankful for the special women in my life who have come alongside me, supported me, prayed with me and for me, and lifted me up when I needed it most. I love you and thank God for you. Thank you for sharing your stories, for your encouragement, and for being living extensions of God's love.
I've learned that far more women have experienced loss, miscarriage(s) and infertility (I hate using that word) than I ever realized. Oftentimes, suffering in silence or isolation. I have dear sweet friends who are going through it now. I just want you to know, if this is you, you're not alone. I was encouraged by women I never met who blogged about their stores and personal struggles. You never know where someone is in their journey. And you never know how your story might impact them and be what they need to hear.
This is why it's been on my heart to share our story. I don't want to hide the fact that God has brought us this far and that it's only by His love and grace that we are here today, excitedly expecting a baby from the LORD. Our marriage has been strengthened. Our desire to be parents and raise children who love God has been strengthened. We can't wait for this baby! We look forward to all the wonderful moments as well as the challenges of parenthood.
Our God is able to do above and beyond what we think or ask. I'm trusting Him daily to carry me through the next 16 weeks and meet our baby boy face to face. To the glory of God.
Don't loose hope dear friend.
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." Ephesians 3:20
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