Wednesday, August 12, 2015

So Much to Say

I'm not very good at verbally communicating (just ask my husband). I've always preferred writing my thoughts and feelings. I often get tongue tied, forget what I was going to say or what I really wanted to say, doesn't come out quite right. And speaking in front of large crowds? Forget it. It's taken me years to be able to stand at the front of a room and present coherent material at a meeting.

Becoming a mom has caused me to feel more deeply and experience emotions on a whole new level. I find myself lacking the words to articulate my feelings, even more now. After waiting years to have our son, I wake up every day with the realization that we are so very lucky, blessed, to have him here with us. I get to see his smile every morning. I get to rock him to sleep every night. I get to play with him and watch him discover the world. He is bursting with life. Our God-sent gift of love.

Sadly, so many people aren't able to experience the same.

Very early this morning, a friend of mine gave birth to her second child. A precious baby boy, who lived for just 18 minutes. Minutes. She and her husband knew early on that their baby was not expected to live long after birth, yet they saw no other choice than to carry him to term. They welcomed him into their hearts, long before they met him. And today, they finally met him and also said goodbye to him, this side of heaven. Their daughter welcomed him into heaven and they are both with Jesus. Two babies they held in their arms are now in the arms of Jesus.

My heart is so broken for them. Knowing they were at the hospital yesterday, waiting for his arrival, I couldn't keep back tears. I still can't. I've been praying continually. Praying prayers that I don't even have words for. Praying that God would wrap His arms around them and comfort them like only He can. I think the glaring question in everyone's mind is, "Why, God?" We may never know the answer. But our God is still good. He is still faithful. Still in control. And to Him be the glory.

I look around me and there are children with cancer. Babies who need transplants. Kids who don't make it to their 5th birthday. It's beyond heart wrenching. My mom-heart aches for these families and wishes it would all just go away. Children don't deserve this. There is nothing right or fair about it. 

It makes me hug my baby boy a little tighter. Stare at him while he's sleeping a little longer. Kiss his sweet face a few more times. And one more kiss before I go to bed. It makes me thank God with all my heart that he is here, that he's healthy, that he's happy. It makes me pray harder for his health and well-being, but most of all, that he will love God with all his heart and live for his purpose. It makes me feel so undeserving. So blessed. Clinging tightly to every moment. Desiring to take it all in and not forget a single thing. Even on a frustrating day, there is so much to be thankful for.

Today, Marshall fell asleep on my shoulder. Lately he's been napping and sleeping in his crib the majority of the time. But today, he wanted to sleep in my arms. So I held him for almost and hour, even though my arm muscles started to burn and my back started to ache. I wanted to cradle him forever. Not everyone gets to do that. God has given me an amazing gift and I want to cherish that gift, every single day.

Sometimes no words are needed. You only need to hold tightly to the ones God has placed in your life. Those are the moments that say it all.

So, if things have been, and continue to be a little quiet around here, know that I am doing "mom things", taking care of my family, loving my husband and my son, and trying to be the woman God wants me to be. He has blessed me far abundantly beyond what I could ever hope for.

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5

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